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After the last gathering i read Bruce's prayer/email and though loved
the words, thought "Whoa, she's not dead yet! Not yet Not yet!". Yet
she was far closer than I would admit.
I had told her and Ernie I would be up the following weekend to visit
and then just let life get in the way, thinking she'll live, she's
tough, she's Fran. She is larger than life...
And she is... but I guess all life must end in time...
There is something about the fragility of Life I refuse to see. I have
known this woman to move mountains with her own sheer will and pure
energy and yet I refuse to acknowledge and see how fragile and delicate
she is in her last of days.
Am i looking at a piece of my own mortality? When I see this in the eyes of a dear friend? Probably so...
I don't want to see her this way. I don't know her this way. And yet she is this way. I ache in tears at the thought of it.
At the gathering I had barely recognized her sole for the deep spark and present knowledge in her shining eyes.
She was one third the size I've known her and her voice barely above a
whisper. And yet her energy was still there. She was very much still,
the center of the room.
The things she said I yearned to hear and will never forget. I felt
like Luke listening to the last words of Yoda. The gems of the Force.
And she looked like Yoda, more than any other soul I've seen. The
smallish size, the wispy hair, the deep knowledge in the eyes of a
lifetime.
The ever present force of energy she always carried which now seemed to carry her.
We all shared what we loved about her and the memories we had. I have so many I didn't know where to start.
I began with telling her how she was like Amma to me and ended with how
grateful I was her being in my life. I remember feeling this is what I
am supposed to say or this is what is appropriate or something...
What I really wanted to say was
Goddammit I love you Fran! I hate to see you this way. It's kinda cool
that you look like Yoda but I want you to be strong! Your not weak, you
never have been weak! It's not fair.
I love you. I wish I spent more time with you. I am sorry I didn't call
or visit as much as I said I would. I remember all of our times
together. I cherish them deeply.
You helped change the course of my life and I am so grateful. I never
looked back and never regret. You are the most authentic person I have
ever met or known and you helped guide me onto my own true authentic
path.
You were there for me when I came back from Heart. You were there for
me walking into the Darkside, and you were there for me when I ran back
to Heart...;}
You were there for me at Seer as we brought in our lineages together
and ever present through the years of Mystery School, always sharing
your truth and courage and the conscious ways of being so plainly yet
brazenly.
You made it OK to say what you see and trust what I thought. To speak
with our hearts and move with our guts, instincts. Such a Force you
were, my dear. We were so grateful you were there...
The places we traveled together, the caves we dove into... We made
spelunking the Shadow a sport! We went where angels feared to tread and
made roads. And the fun we made of it!
The humour you brought into life and mystery was so refreshing and
needed. And strange as it was, allowed us to go in ever deeper... What
a beautiful balance you brought to the work...
What a lifetime we had together in those few short years
Frack! I love you!
There is so much more, so much more than the mere words I can think of... You mean so much to so many....
I can only hope my feelings transcend my thoughts into the living of words...
Rest in Heavenly Peace my dear dear friend
In the deepest of Love,
~Ari Uriel Khan
~Aristotle Emmanuel Pritzopolis
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